Updated: Jan 20
So when I received the vision for this blog I was honestly thinking it was going to be some pretty poetry, some bomb stock photos, and a cute quote every now and again. All pointing back to God, of course, but that it wouldn't require much of me. Writing pretty words, most times comes naturally to me effortless. But instead, I have had to confront some deeply rooted insecurities and imperfections instead. While I write, I find that I am ministering more to myself than anything. Go figure right? Often times when we feel led by God our first thought is how we will bless someone else, but the truth of the matter is it has to minister to us first?
At the beginning of the year, when the theme of the year was rolled out at our church, I could almost laugh out loud. "His Will, His Way" (and that's it). Usually, it's a phrase or a saying, based upon scripture of course, but super deep and life-changing. But in the past few months that is exactly what God had been dealing with me on. The pandemic basically showed me how hard-headed I was when it came to doing what I know the Lord had told me to do. I could make up excuse after excuse of why I couldn't and could find a million or so reasons why I couldn't move in the direction God had told me to. Realizing only that I had become lazy because of fear. And when I would see someone doing or operating in what the Lord had told me to do I would instantly feel jealous. Like it was mine alone even though all along I've been running away from what God has called me to do. Ignoring my assignment, not doing my part.
When God gave me Let the Words of my Mouth I was at a women's retreat coordinated by the First Lady of my church. We had played a scavenger hunt type ie breaker game, where you had to find someone in the room (one of the many ladies) by the list of titles on a paper. And the first word that had stuck out to me was "poet" and as the titles dwindled down, "someone who has a blue car", "someone with three girls", "someone who has recently relocated to Hawaii" something inside of me knew that it was me, that I was the poet. But how did she know? Sure, I had written some poems and posted them on Facebook and I had been writing in journals since my teen years, but why hadn't I considered myself a poet. When it finally did come down to it that I was the "poet" on the list, the entire three days at the retreat I wrestled with it. Had I known? Of course, I did but I had been running because that seemed so much easier. running from what God had called me to didn't mean that I was excused from it it just meant that I was that joint not supplying (Ephesians 4:16). Here I was thinking that the writing was for me and really it was my God-given gift. It had a purpose and it wasn't just for me.
So I made the Facebook page that was connected to an Instagram page that I only posted on periodically. In December 2019 when I quit my job thinking I would go full-fledged with Agape Designs and being a stay at home Mom I didn't know the pandemic was around the corner. I didn't know that God would completely change the trajectory of my entrepreneurial journey and urge me to write, to document to testify. I have been so caught up in the shame of who I was before not seeing the bigger picture, the one God saw all along (Jeremiah 29:11). That my testimony, my poetry, my words were not mine, they never were meant to just be for me and the only person I was competing with was me. And the warring inside of me was my spirit-man knowing and fighting against my flesh that I was succumbing to.
I haven't just been dealing with the shame of my past, but the shame of my present. The things I thought were so secret within me that God saw and knew I needed to see for myself. As I wrote and am still writing about brokenness I realize I am talking about myself. Truth is anyone can write and so many have that gift to speak life and repeat again what the word of God says, but it doesn't count me out. God says there's room for everyone so there is no competing in Christ, that is a world-ly flesh-ly concept. It was me competing against myself. So the words I write now are my surrendering unto God. He wins, I lose but in the best way. When it is MY will and MY way my flesh has a say and that's can't be (Isaiah 55:8-9).
In Pastor Lisa Kai's book "Perfectly You", she says something so profound and it literally floored me but also blessed me. "As I allow God to help me be aware of my insecurities and fears, God brings truth to those places."
Simply put it's a process, tiring and draining but worth it. I literally have to be naked before God so that he may rebuild me in those broken places and through this process, he has shown me how he can still use me. In my brokenness there is purpose. His purpose.
Walk-in your purpose today sister and know that there is no Competition in this Christ walk just evolution. When you walk in your own strength, your own understanding it seems impossible and you seem not to be good enough. But when you walk in God's strength, when you ask for his understanding it all becomes clear even when we don't see the whole picture we are in the hands of the one who does. Let him take the wheel sis, promise it'll be worth the ride.